Inspired by Ava Dinh-Vu's excellent instructional on illegal entry into Vietnam link here
Look, I swear I'm not usually like this. Maybe a little. But over the years I've tried to pull my shit together and become a person with all his stuff in one place. I'm not a fundamentally organised person, but the least I can ask myself is to have my things. Because I really do love my things. But I have a thing selection process, for each new thing is something I've justified to bother counting, to bother lugging around on my travels. But it's also been said that it's something of a Jack Loftus trait to lose his things. To leave the house with no pants on, faced with the ultimate dilemma. To hurry back and be late, or attend the party pantless. Pretend you're dressing on theme. Everyone else is wrong.
In fluorescent-lit stoicism circles they will tell you that, sometime in Ancient Greece, a Phoenician merchant named Zeno of Citium was transporting his most valuable posessions across the sea. He had everything to his name in that ship. His phone, wallet, labubus etc. A violent storm blew him off course and wrecked his ship, sinking all of his precious belongings, escaping with only his life. The stoics in these folded plastic chair meetings will then tell you that Zeno went on to found Stoicism, and that losing his material possessions was something he could detach himself from with virtue.
Ok, but when you're in the moment of discovery that your prized possession is gone? Then FUCK ALL THAT! I need my watch back so I can get on with my life! I need my wallet, so I can pay for the therapy this will need!! It is a function of our society that we have an inflated number of things. And in its promise of simplicity and unity, the phone just makes things worse. There are now four 3x3 pages of apps I've downloaded into a group on my home screen. I unironically downloaded an app for my local supermarket today. Old man yells at cloud.
An investigation into losing all your shit
Is it a question of pocket size? or count?
Because travel keeps changing your routine?
Is my life too cluttered?
Am I lacking a clever mnemonic system, a brain-hack to activate whenever I leave a place that becomes a sort of post-modern mantra?
Is the issue a lack of focus, of mindfulness? of presence?
NO! losing your things is the fundamental to all human experience!
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Are you looking to circumnavigate the globe in search of the item you left behind, struggling to abide by the inmutable rules of stoicism when your life dictates you must have the thing back? Here are some ideas for losing your things:
Leave your wallet and keys in the airport scanner as you leave the country (for safe keeping)
Make sure your stuff is loose and in three different bags. This makes the airport scanner process a trip in itself. Inbetween picking up your belt and putting your boots back on, you're going to completely forget the separate tray you needed to put your wallet and keys in. Away you go, to Gate 57 in a one-way metal bird to London Stansted Airport. You only will realise what you've done halfway through your reunion with your friends Ollie and Maisie, slightly deflating the moment.
This is the ultimate test, both for you and Spanish administration. In a hastily written email to the Madrid airport lost and found, you write in English because it's easier. The response you get is terse and uninspiring. Later, you write in Spanish (like you should have been in the first place) and you even get a '"Enhorabuena!" Congratulations! We've got your wallet!' with instructions how to pick it up.
In the end, the airport will return your wallet and keys to you, but take out the important Spanish ID card you've torn your hair out trying to get. You can read about how relieved I was when I finally got this card in my previous post. For legal (?) reasons, the police station took it for safe keeping, but then they lost the card themselves. Time to restart month-long bureaucratic process again!
Play soccer with your fancy ring on
No one's going to notice your cool sparkly ring at the football match. But wear it anyway. Too much hassle to take it off, there's fun to be had. It could have fallen off during a really great save you did. Or the goal you actually scored. Likely it was when you ran into your own teammate and fell over. It doesn't matter, you will lose the 40 euro sardine ring that you got yourself for your birthday. There was this great hour-long conversation you had with the shopkeeper, Gustavo who helped you form an attachment to it. Oh, and you bought it that same morning!
This isn't the first time you've lost a ring. Maybe they're just not your thing, man.
Leave your favourite cross-body bag at the ice-skating rink in Leicester
This one's my favourite. It's going to be an invaluable opportunity to get to know your friend's parents. The ice skating session they took you to the night before was fun, but the morning after is even better when you discover you left your bag at the rink. There's even photo evidence of you afterwards, grinning like an idiot, with the bag left on the table behind you. Your friend's incredible parents, who have already done SO much without a word, will drive you back to Leicester to retrieve your bag with your earpods in them. You cannot help but feel guilty despite their loveliness. Dedicated to Simon and Teresa Scoggins
So like, just somehow lose your cool casio watch incidentally in the 5 minute uber from the house to the pub? It's functionally not meant to do that? Is there a ghostly pickpocket around? Why does this happen to me now?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH BIRMINGHAM??
Brum is not for the faint of heart, nor for the loose-wristed.
I loved that watch; it had a little world map on it to ponder. Model A500WEA-1EF - it's the best one.
Extra: broken bracelet, broken pendant
It was at this point that I had almost gotten used to it. Figuratively, the wheels were falling off, but literally it was shiny accessories falling from my body.
You will buy a Polish bracelet that's very in vogue. It's going to snap on you tomorrow.
Next? Your necklace will, during a random conversation, fall off to the floor without explanation.
Sometimes the things that stay with you are the unexpected. The precious things you intend to keep forever will leave sooner rather than later. But that's what makes them precious!
